I voted! And, hey! I took some extra stickers for my dead friends. The dirty secret about dead Democrats voting? They are, of course, wasted votes: the dead always write in their own candidates. Kennedy, Carter, FDR, sometimes even Andrew Jackson (awkward!)… This year, some of the more favored names were “Jed Bartlet,” “Eleanor Roosevelt,” and “Paul Wellstone.” A few others were looking for “Hillary Rodham” and just gave up when they couldn’t find her. Ah well, what can you do? There’s no reasoning with the dead.

Someone else, on their otherwise blank ballot, wrote: “I have found a truly marvellous solution to this electoral math, but the margin of this absentee ballot is too narrow to contain it.” The dead can be so fucking insufferable.